Losing a pregnancy is one of the most heart wrenching experiences for a woman. Having survived 3 miscarriages in less than a year, I want to share my story to encourage, empower, and educate others who may be experiencing a similar loss. Every miscarriage is different, but the pain is deep and transformational. I want to offer tools and awareness to those who are feeling abandoned or unseen by their doctor, their partner, or their friends and relatives.
The Diagnosis.
My first miscarriage was diagnosed at 7 weeks. No heartbeat detected. I miscarried naturally at home a month later in November 2023. My second miscarriage was diagnosed at 6 weeks, twins. First ultrasound the heartbeats were 76 bpm, second ultrasound a week later showed no heartbeats at all. I was prescribed 2 doses of misoprostol (Cytotec) and miscarried at home in April 2024. My third miscarriage was a blighted ovum, or anembryonic pregnancy, and I miscarried naturally in August 2024. My OB clinic rotated doctors so each time a different physician would deliver the news in an awkward manner, briefly and methodically explain my options for removing pregnancy tissue, apologize, shake my hand, and leave me crying alone in the exam room. As a nurse I was very disappointed in the lack of empathy and support shown by these medical providers. Some of them were quick to offer a D&C (dilation & curettage) without discussing the possible adverse effects of the surgery. None wanted to investigate the cause of the miscarriages because "the protocol is to investigate after the 3rd miscarriage". Miscarriages are so common (10-20% of known pregnancies result in miscarriage, possibly more) but the medical care and education is severely lacking. Everything I learned about miscarriage I had to google or experience myself.
You have options.
There are 3 ways to "treat" a miscarriage during the first trimester. One, let your body naturally figure out that the pregnancy is not viable, and it will start the purging process on its own. This can take weeks before you start bleeding, and you can bleed for days or weeks after the process begins. This can be the most emotionally traumatic choice because it can take the longest. You cannot truly start to heal until the pregnancy has ended and you no longer carry your baby inside you. My first miscarriage was unmedicated and took about 4-5hrs of heavy bleeding. I was caring for my toddler alone and rushing to the bathroom every 5-15 minutes. It was unpleasant and a relief once it was over, however I had no idea this would not be my last miscarriage.
A second option is to take a medication called misoprostol (Cytotec), either orally or vaginally to encourage the miscarriage process. It causes the cervix to soften and the uterus to contract to expel the pregnancy. It typically takes 12-24hrs to pass the tissue and in my experience, there was more bleeding (blood clots specifically) than with my natural, unmedicated miscarriage. It can be extremely traumatic when the bleeding gets heavy, and some women end up in the ER with too much blood loss. Many women endure this at home, alone (however it is extremely important to have someone nearby in case you do need medical care).
The third option for treating a miscarriage in the first trimester is a surgical procedure called a D&C (dilation & curettage). The cervix is dilated, and the lining of the uterus is scraped with a spoon-shaped instrument called a curette. I decided against this procedure since I was still breastfeeding my toddler and the doctor said I would not be able to breastfeed after the procedure due to the medications, especially with the antibiotics given during and after the surgery. I had also read about the potential for bleeding, infection, serious scarring or even perforation of the uterus after a D&C. The doctor claimed this was rare, but it was still a concern for me. Many women reported online that this was the easiest, quickest option but it was not a tempting option for me. Unfortunately, a D&C is not always avoidable, in cases where pregnancy tissue remains following a miscarriage.
Understanding grief
Healing is not linear. Grief slowly fades but not necessarily with time. The more you allow yourself to feel and process painful emotions, the easier it will get. But they don't tell you how painful it is to sit in the OB waiting room full of very pregnant women, knowing that your body isn't growing a healthy baby anymore. Can we please get separate waiting rooms for grieving mamas?! They don't tell you how you are going to see pregnant women everywhere in public...at the grocery store, the mall, restaurants...and your heart will sink as you remember your loss. It gets easier but the pain never truly disappears. It just dulls a bit over time. I consider myself so blessed to have had one healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby in 2022, but it is still difficult to know that my body has been through so much trauma and my heart is missing the babies I will never hold. Having a miscarriage as your first pregnancy is, I imagine, extremely difficult in a different way. The uncertainty of your future fertility is daunting and nerve wracking. Having a miscarriage after having a blissfully normal, healthy pregnancy with your first child is very confusing and hard to understand, however physically enduring and recovering from a miscarriage while caring for another child is an additional challenge. You really don't get a chance to process and heal while chasing a toddler, but it does help a bit to be distracted and also appreciate your living child even more.
I did not save the tissue for pathology testing; however, I did bury my twins in the garden under my jasmine plant. You can decide how you would like to memorialize your baby. I felt different for each miscarriage. My third miscarriage felt like a pregnancy loss but not a baby loss because I never saw an embryo on the ultrasound, just an empty gestational sac. The loss of my twin pregnancy was the most painful, since I was so excited at the prospect of twins and when they passed, they were together. I did not feel comfortable sending my babies to be dissected in a lab however that probably would have given me some closure as far as to the cause of the miscarriage. Again, you get to choose the right action for you and your family. And you can memorialize your baby no matter what in whatever form that feels right for you. Some moms choose meaningful jewelry like a necklace with a beautiful pendant that you can keep near your heart. I know there are three little angels that I hope to meet in spirit someday.
The Importance of a Support System
A miscarriage is an extremely isolating event for a woman. It is unlikely that someone else in your circle is going through the same thing at the same time, so even if you have supportive friends and family, just be prepared to feel alone. This is your journey. Feel the pain. Love yourself. Remember your blessings and cling to gratitude. Give yourself grace and all the time you need to process. Unfortunately, I was very isolated and lacked a good support system during my miscarriages. My partner could have taken time off from work to help me, but he didn't. In fact, he told me "You're not the only one who has had a miscarriage, just get over it." I didn't want my family to go out of their way for me, so I didn't ask them for help. But I survived my miscarriages and I'm so thankful for my beautiful daughter who has brought me joy through my tears and is my reason to get out of bed every morning.
I googled miscarriage stories, I perused Reddit and Instagram through every stage of my miscarriages and I found the stories from other moms scary but comforting and way more informative than the 10 minute exchange with my doctors. My miscarriages showed me that I am capable of surviving extreme pain, blood loss, despair, and heartbreak all at the same time. Also, if you are with a partner who does not support you during a miscarriage, use that knowledge to gain clarity on your relationship. The clarity I gained during my miscarriage experiences gave me the courage to end my relationship. I do not advise this to everyone however if your partner does not show empathy and support for you during and after a miscarriage then you may want to rethink this person as a life partner. If you are ever seriously ill, you need to know that your partner will be there for you.
Peace
Most surprisingly, I have learned that the internet can be a comforting space for those who are searching for peace, clarity, hope, and closure. I googled miscarriage stories, I perused Reddit and Instagram and joined miscarriage forums on apps like "What to Expect". I found the stories from other moms sometimes terrifying but oftentimes comforting and way more informative than the brief conversation with my doctors. I pray that if you are dealing with miscarriage, you will find your peace, and perhaps you will find some comfort in my little corner of the internet. Hang in there, Mama.
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